How to Build a Healthy Relationship After Abuse
Welcome to part one of our four-part blog series on abusive relationships and the trauma that often stems from them. We hope this series feels like a deep breath and a supportive space that instills hope that healing after abuse is possible. We invite you to follow along as we explore the complexities of moving forward after abuse and the supports that can help you along the way.
How Abusive Relationships Impact Future Connections
Abusive relationships affect every area of life. Whether the abuse is financial, physical, sexual, or emotional/mental, the effects are far reaching and can significantly influence us as we move forward. One of the scariest things that survivors of abusive relationships face is a new relationship.
Even with the help of trauma therapy in Denver, CO, starting a new relationship can be daunting. From engrained toxic relationship patterns, stuck shame cycles, and lingering insecurities, past abusive relationships can heavily influence our experience in new relationships - even healthy, safe ones.
If you’ve been in an abusive relationship you might think you can never have a healthy one. Good news — as relationship trauma specialists, we know that’s simply not the case! It is absolutely possible to build a new, healthy relationship after leaving an abusive one. Let’s explore some preliminary steps and avenues for curiosity that you can journey down.
The first thing to give space to after leaving an abusive situation is your safety. Having a safety plan is essential to your overall wellbeing, whether it attunes to your physical safety needs or emotional. Once you have that planned out, ideally with the support of a therapist who specializes in relational trauma, it’s time to explore the impact the relationship had on you - including the resilience and adaptive coping you developed as a result - and to delve into what’s needed for healing to take place.
Hypervigilance in New Relationships: Why the Body Stays 'Stuck' in Trauma Time
"Why do I still feel so stuck in my old ways?" This is a question so many survivors ask. Please know that you’re not alone. Our bodies keep the score. In an abusive relationship, our bodies learn to be on the lookout for minute facial expressions, changes in tone of voice, body language, and tension as a protective measure. We might not be able to avoid the abuse, but we can prepare for it. At least, that’s what our brains tell us, and that’s natural and adaptive. Afterall, we are the descendants of the anxious ones; our ancestors survived by correctly monitoring the threats in their environment.
But once we’re out of an abusive situation, our nervous systems don't relax automatically. The constant vigilance that helped us survive a really bad situation, as crucial and strong as it once was, can also serve as a barrier in a positive situation. Once we find a safe, healthy partner or friend, our brain and body - which are still working in overdrive to keep us safe - can often misinterpret slight changes to their facial expressions or the tension in the air as threats.
We might even know we’re safe with this new person, but our nervous systems still might be stuck in "trauma time," inhibiting our ability to actually feel safe intrinsically and come out of our fight or flight response. When what we know is in conflict with what we feel, it can be confusing and overwhelming. Healing involves rewiring the brain and body once we are safe. This process takes time, repetition, and the right kind of supports to bring your nervous system back to a regulated, present level and out of fight or flight.
The "Nervous System Check-In": Distinguishing Anxiety from Intuition
One of the most difficult parts of dating after abuse is learning to tell the difference between intuition (your gut saying this person isn't safe) and trauma triggers (your nervous system saying this situation feels familiar and therefore scary). When we’ve experienced relational trauma, our "internal compass" can feel broken, making every new interaction feel like a potential minefield.
In trauma therapy, we help you identify the "somatic signatures" of both. Intuition often feels like a calm, cold realization or a quiet "no" in the center of your chest. It isn't loud or frantic; it is a steady, informative signal that doesn't necessarily require an immediate, panicked escape.
Anxiety, on the other hand, usually feels like a systemic alarm. This can manifest as a racing heart, shallow breathing, a "buzzing" sensation in the limbs, or a desperate need to "fix" the tension or "flee" the situation entirely. This response is often out of proportion to the present moment. An example of this could look like feeling a wave of terror because a partner is five minutes late or used a certain tone of voice that reminds you of the past.
Learning to pause and check in with your body allows you to slow your body down enough to be able to react in the present, not to the events of the past. By naming these sensations as they happen, and possibly working with a trauma therapist for individualized support, you can begin to reclaim your agency and sense of safety in your own body and mind.
Why "Boring" Can Feel Scary: Adjusting to Healthy Pacing
If you are used to the 'highs and lows' of an abusive cycle, a healthy relationship can actually feel a bit boring at first. When your nervous system is used to the rush of reconciliation (the 'honeymoon phase'), the steady and predictable nature of a safe partner can feel like a lack of chemistry or an all around snooze fest.
In the trauma healing space, we often talk about intermittent reinforcement. This is a psychological phenomenon where rewards are given inconsistently, which actually makes the "highs" feel more addictive and the "lows" feel more desperate. When you move away from that roller coaster, your brain may go through a literal withdrawal period. You might find yourself picking a fight just to feel a surge of adrenaline, or assuming the relationship "lacks a spark" simply because it lacks a crisis.
It’s important to recognize that peace is not boredom. In our work with clients at CZ Therapy Group, we reframe this 'boredom' as safety. It takes time for your brain to stop looking for the next crisis and start enjoying the quiet beauty of a partner who is simply... there. Adjusting to a healthy pace is a vital part of the healing journey, and one that can often take time, patience, and compassion for yourself as you move through the stages of healing.
Adjusting to a healthy pace, where you are seen, heard, and respected without having to "earn" it through a cycle of pain, is a vital part of the healing journey. It requires time, patience, and deep compassion for yourself as you retrain your nervous system to find comfort in the calm. Eventually, you begin to realize that the "spark" you were used to was actually anxiety, and the "boredom" you feared is actually the safe foundation you’ve been longing for.
Setting Boundaries: A Somatic Tool for New Connections
Boundaries are the fences that keep your garden safe. When dating again, we recommend starting with small, low-stakes boundaries to see how a potential partner reacts. Consider trying out one or multiple of these boundary setting examples:
The Time Boundary: "I can only stay for an hour tonight; I have an early morning."
The Digital Boundary: "I prefer not to text after 9 PM so I can wind down."
The Physical Boundary: "I’m not ready for a hug today, but I really enjoyed our time."
As you state these, pay attention to your internal landscape. Does your chest tighten? Do you feel a urge to apologize or "soften" the boundary? This is your body keeping the score and remembering a time where it wasn’t safe or feasible to honor yourself in this way. Remind yourself that this is new, and by default, uncomfortable. It takes practice and repetition for this new way of being and interacting with others to become muscle memory. Give yourself compassion and grace.
A green-flag partner will respect these without a second thought. On the contrary, a partner who pushes back, guilt-trips, or ignores these small requests is giving you valuable information about their lack of respect for your autonomy before things get more serious.
By practicing these micro-boundaries early on, you are retraining your body to believe that your needs are valid. You are also filtering for partners who have the emotional regulation required to sit with your "no" without taking it as a personal attack. This is a foundational step in moving toward secure attachment and away from the coercive dynamics of the past.
The Role of Repair: Why Healthy Partners Aren't Perfect
It is a common myth that a healthy partner is a perfect partner. In reality, a healthy relationship isn’t the absence of conflict; it is the presence of repair. For many of us who have survived abuse, conflict was never safe. It often signaled a complete loss of control, a looming threat of escalation, or a total withdrawal of love. Because of this, even a small misunderstanding in a new relationship can feel completely overwhelming and threatening.
In our work, we help clients shift their focus away from looking for a "perfect" person and instead look for a person’s repair capacity. This is the ability for two people to navigate a "rupture", or a moment of disconnection or hurt, and come back to a place of felt safety together.
We look for partners who are capable of self-correction. If a partner snaps because they are tired or stressed, do they realize it on their own? Do they apologize without you having to "convince" them that they hurt you? If they accidentally overstep a boundary, do they change their behavior immediately and consistently?
A healthy partner takes ownership of their impact, regardless of what their intent was. They don’t gaslight you for having a reaction to their behavior. Instead, they prioritize the health of the connection over being "right." This ability to repair is a foundational element of secure attachment. It teaches your nervous system, one small moment at a time, that a disagreement doesn't have to mean the end of your safety. Over time, these successful repairs build a reservoir of trust that allows you to move through the natural ebbs and flows of a partnership without falling back into those high-alert survival states.
How to Build Healthy Relationships: Green Flags to Look For
So, how do we build a healthy relationship amidst our nervous system’s protective responses? While trauma therapy is truly the key to re-wiring your nervous system and helping your body move out of fight or flight mode, there’s also a lot you can get curious about and implement on your own.
It is possible to keep an eye out for red flags while also looking for green flags. Red flags tell us when to get out while green flags tell us to stay. So, what are some green flags in relationships? Is it a green flag if they buy us our favorite things and hold the door for us? Maybe, but the green flags we’re looking for are deeper than that.
Here are some green flags to look for:
They Respect Your “Yes” and “No”
If you’ve been in an unsafe relationship, it’s likely that you’ve had your “yes” and “no” disregarded. In a healthy relationship, the important yeses and nos are respected, and not just big things like saying no to sex, little things like whether you want onions on your salad. How a partner responds to our boundaries is a very important sign of compatibility and safety.
Their Actions Match Their Words
One of the keys with this one is consistency and flexibility. No one’s actions will match their words all day every day. After all, people get tired and snippy. But, if a new partner is consistently doing what they say they will do, that’s a green flag.
Their Reaction is Proportionate to the Situation
A person’s reaction to things big and small can tell you a lot about them. For instance, if your new friend does get tired and snippy do they start insulting you or do they say something relatively benign in a harsh tone of voice? When a person’s reaction to a small situation, like spilling food or drink, is natural and proportionate, that’s a good sign that they have good emotional regulation.
They Apologize Sincerely and Simply
In abusive relationships, partners often make elaborate and emotional apologies, usually not in proportion to the seriousness of the situation. In healthy relationships apologies can be simple and sincere, and that can be a green flag. It takes a lot for someone to say “I’m sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me.”
They Value Your Autonomy and Trust You
Is there anything less attractive than jealousy? Contrary to every reality show, jealousy is not a sign of a healthy, trusting relationship. While everyone gets bitten by the green eyed monster now and then, being trusted is the best feeling in the world. When a partner can let you know they love you and encourage you to spend time with your friends, that’s a green flag.
These are just some of the green flags to look for in a new connection. For a deeper dive into how healthy dynamics differ from toxic ones, you can explore the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s guide to the healthy relationship spectrum.
Tips for Dating Again After Abuse
If you’re healing from an abusive or controlling relationship and want to step back into dating, the support of a trauma professional can be super helpful. This can take place in the form of trauma therapy in Denver, CO, if you’re local, or any other form of trauma support in your area. Working with a trauma and relationship therapist who is trained in helping people recover from intimate partner abuse could help you process the experience, ultimately allowing you to move forward in new, healthy relationships in the future.
Additionally, we can’t dismiss the importance of a supportive community. A safe and affirming group of family and friends can help you learn to trust others again, which is a huge part of relational healing. These two supports will be beneficial for a long time and can hopefully celebrate your new healthy connections with you!
Aside from community and therapeutic support, here are a few other recommendations to consider.
1. Cultivate Curiosity About Your Time Alone
When we’re driven by a constant need to be with other people it is easier to drown out our inner voice. This means we could be disconnected from our own emotions, instincts, and better judgment. Spending time alone moving your body, painting, reading, cooking, or whatever you enjoy, will ultimately increase the health and wellness of your relationship to yourself and to others. Prioritizing small acts of self-care throughout the day can help build appreciation for spending time alone.
** A Clinical Note: this recommendation should not be interpreted as needing to “love yourself before you can love other people” or any similar rendition of this notion. As trauma and relationship therapists, we hold the firm belief that healing takes place within relationships, not as a precursor to relationships.
2. Identify and Honor Your Triggers
Knowledge is power, and the power of knowing your triggers is immense. Once you start dating again, you will be triggered, and noticing how/when/where those triggers show up and how they make you feel can provide a really solid foundation for the trauma processing that happens in therapy. Tracking yourself in this way can also help you let your partner in on what you’re experiencing so you don’t have to hold it alone and they don’t have to be left in the dark. Healing through new, safe relationships is a key part of processing relational trauma.
3. Prioritize Open and Honest Communication
Communication is so essential to a healthy relationship. Being open and honest with a safe person is healing in and of itself, but open communication also means less guessing. So many abusive relationships are about monitoring signs and guessing correctly. In these instances, the whole relationship can feel like a moving target. In healthy relationships, open communication means a lot less guessing and a lot more security.
4. Build Trust Through "Micro-Moments"
Trust is a word that comes up again and again in new relationships. Trust is a defining principle of healthy relationships, and it goes both ways. Learning to trust again in small ways will help build healthy partnerships down the line. If you’re able to trust that your new partner won’t react the same way the old one did, and your new partner trusts you, that balance helps keep the relationship healthy.
5. Define the Relationship You Actually Want
It is really important to know what you do and don’t want in a relationship. Defining this doesn’t mean a laundry list of traits in your future partner, though some green flags should be on there. It means prioritizing the kind of relationship you want. This step means asking yourself questions about what you want out of life and relationships. Discovering your own desires and boundaries when it comes to relationships can be very helpful when you start dating.
Types of Therapy to Heal from an Abusive Relationship
In general, somatic trauma therapy is where it’s at when we’re talking about healing from trauma. Somatic (otherwise termed as body-based) therapy focuses on the mind-body connection and helps you address the physical and emotional impacts of the trauma you've experienced. Below, we will walk through three types of somatic therapy modalities that are often used in trauma therapy for abusive relationships: Somatic Experiencing therapy, EMDR therapy, and Inner Child Therapy.
Somatic Trauma Therapy
This modality is all about reconnecting with your body and releasing the trapped energy from the traumatic experiences. It helps you tune into your body's sensations, allowing you to slowly work through the trauma in a safe and controlled way. The somatic trauma therapist will guide you through exercises and gentle bodily exploration that promote self-awareness and regulation of your nervous system responses. It's a gradual process that empowers you to regain control over your body and your emotions.
EMDR Therapy
EMDR therapy, which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, focuses on processing and desensitizing the distressing memories related to the abusive relationship. During the sessions, you'll recall specific traumatic events while engaging in bilateral stimulation, like following the therapist's finger movements or holding small buzzing devices that alternate from left to right. This process helps your brain rewire the stored traumatic memories, reducing their emotional intensity and allowing you to heal from the root of your trauma as opposed to merely addressing the symptoms of it.
Inner Child Therapy
This modality addresses the emotional wounds from your past, particularly related to childhood attachment experiences that lay the groundwork for your relationships as an adult. The therapist creates a safe space where you can connect with your inner child, who represents the parts of you that have unmet needs and wounds from the past that haven’t experienced the healing you deserve. By nurturing and meeting the needs of your inner child now, you can create new neural pathways in your brain that are grounded in healthy, secure attachment, enabling you to move forward in positive relationships in the future. This therapy empowers you to offer self-compassion, love, and support to the younger version of yourself, leading to profound healing and personal growth.
These therapy modalities are just a few examples of the techniques used in somatic trauma therapy for survivors of abuse. Each person's journey is unique, and what works for one may not work for another. The important thing is to find a therapist who understands trauma and is trained in various modalities of somatic trauma therapy.
Heal From Your Past Abusive Relationship - Begin Trauma Therapy in Denver, CO.
Our team of Denver trauma therapists and couples counselors at CZTG specialize in supporting clients through relationship abuse and trauma. We’d love to connect with you if this blog resonates and you’re curious about how our practice might be able to support you. Please reach out for a free consult call with a Denver trauma therapist and relationship trauma specialist on our team!
Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Reach out to schedule a free 20-minute consult call.
Connect with the trauma therapist of your choice via a phone consult.
Begin healing and growth in weekly trauma therapy for relationship abuse.
Continue Your Healing Journey: Follow Along with our Multi-Part Series
We hope this blog feels supportive and instills hope that healing after abuse is possible, and invite you to follow along with the rest of the series: