Am I In An Abusive Relationship? Recognizing The Signs
Sometimes it doesn’t start with something obvious. There’s no single moment you can point to and say, that’s when it became abusive.
Instead, it often looks like confusion. Like second-guessing yourself after conversations. Like feeling a subtle shift in who you are—quieter, more anxious, more careful.
You might find yourself asking, “Am I overreacting?” or “Is this just what relationships are like sometimes?”
That question, Am I in an abusive relationship?, can feel heavy, disorienting, and even disloyal to ask.
In our work providing trauma therapy in Denver, we often see how difficult it is to recognize these patterns while you’re inside of them, and how clarifying it can be for survivors to hear an outside perspective on the dynamic they live and breathe every day.
In our previous blog in this series, we explored why we stay in abusive relationships. We wanted to begin there to validate those that recognize they are within an abusive relationship yet feel shame for it, and for those that may sense something is “off”, but feel a call to remain.
We hope this article offers affirmation to those who wonder, “Are these parts of my relationship really normal or okay?”, as well as general education for those of us in non-abusive relationships. Historically speaking, our leaders, institutions, and families do not know and/or have not taught us to look for these signs of abuse either.
If each of us can identify these relational red flags more readily, we are more likely to advocate for needs for safety, acceptance, and validation in our own relationships, our loved one’s relationships, and the relationships of peers, mentors, and acquaintances.
How to Recognize the Signs of an Abusive Relationship
When you are living in a dynamic where the goalposts for "good behavior" are constantly shifting, it becomes incredibly difficult to trust your own perspective. Abuse often relies on the erosion of your reality, making it feel safer to doubt yourself than to acknowledge the harm being done.
The following list is designed to help you peel back the layers of confusion and look at the relationship through a clearer lens. As you read through these, we encourage you to notice what happens in your body. You might feel a sense of bracing, a sinking feeling in your stomach, or even relief as an experience you’ve lived for years is finally being given a name. These points aren’t diagnostic or exhaustive, but our hope is that they are a way to help you feel less aloneness and more clarity if you are concerned about abuse in your relationship or a loved one’s.
Emotional Volatility and Walking on Eggshells
I am constantly criticized by my partner.
I often feel like I am unworthy, unlovable, non-deserving, not smart, incapable, or lesser in some way because of things my partner has said about me.
My partner makes fun of me for, shames, or minimizes my opinions, beliefs, values, and outside relationships.
My partner’s temper scares me.
I spend a lot of time avoiding triggers that could anger them.
I am often in “trouble” when I cannot mind-read what they need/want or do not give them what they need/want immediately.
I make decisions based on what I anticipate my partner’s reaction will be.
I decide how I should spend my money and time and who I spend it with based on what will make my partner feel best and/or least upset.
I do what my partner says to keep the peace.
I say “yes” or “no” depending on what my partner wants because I do not want to hurt their feelings or make them upset.
Physical Safety and Boundary Violations
My partner has used physical force of any kind.
My partner has threatened to hurt me, thrown things at or around me, kicked or shoved me.
My partner has forced me into sexual activities when I did not want to.
My partner does not respect my pets or belongings.
My partner has mistreated my pets, belongings, or home.
Control, Surveillance, and Isolation
My relationships and ability to have my basic needs met suffer because of my partner.
I have lost sleep, friends, money, my job, or other opportunities because of my partner.
I have to “report” to my partner all elements of my day.
It is non-negotiable that I share with my partner who I was with, what I did, who I talked to, and where I was at any given time.
Responsibility, Guilt, and Self-Justification
If my partner is upset, I feel an urgent need to rescue them.
If my partner is upset, in trouble, or something is wrong, it is my responsibility to fix things and I am a bad person if I do not.
I apologize to myself or others for my partner’s behavior if I am treated badly.
I tell myself or others “It’s not that bad”, “It was just one time”, “They were having a bad day”, or another justification when something bad happens to me, even if it has happened before.
*Please note that this list is not exhaustive and is not a formalized diagnostic tool. If you are seeking support or are unsafe in your relationship, see the resources below.
Walking on Eggshells: The Toll of Hypervigilance On The Nervous System
Many survivors we work with describe the constant, exhausting feeling of "walking on eggshells." This phrase describes a state of chronic nervous system arousal that happens as a result of trauma and abuse. When you are in an abusive relationship, your brain becomes an expert at scanning for minute shifts in your partner’s mood or behaviors.
You might notice that your shoulders are perpetually hiked toward your ears, your stomach feels "tied in knots" before your partner gets home, or you find yourself holding your breath when they enter a room.
This constant state of scanning for danger is a physical response to existing within a dynamic steeped in a chronic lack of emotional and physical safety. In a healthy partnership, your body should be able to downregulate and rest. If "rest" only feels possible when your partner is out of the house or asleep, your nervous system is telling you that the environment is not safe, and thus, you are not safe.
Beyond the immediate tension, hypervigilance also comes with a high cognitive and emotional cost: self-abandonment. When you are constantly monitoring someone else's internal weather, there is no room left to monitor your own. You might stop asking yourself, "How am I feeling today?" and instead only ask, "How are they feeling right now?" This shift is a survival tactic, but it slowly erodes your sense of self.
Over time, this chronic "bracing" can lead to physical symptoms like chronic fatigue, tension headaches, or digestive issues. This is your body’s way of signaling that things are not okay at a time where your mind may not be ready to name it yet. Part of the work we do in trauma therapy is helping you slowly and safely begin to listen to those signals again. The focus of the work is to help you move from a frantic "scanning" of your environment back to a sense of presence and awareness within yourself. This is a slow process that, in time, allows you to reclaim your safety again and come out of the protective space of hypervigilance that you’ve been in for so long. We want you to know that it is absolutely possible to learn to listen to your body’s cues again and find avenues to honor your needs, even after those instincts have been suppressed as a means of survival.
Coercive Control and the "Reporting" Requirement
Relationship abuse doesn’t look like an isolated blow up or single incident. Rather, it manifests as a steady pattern of coercive control. Coercive control is a strategic form of pressure used to limit your autonomy and independence. One of the most common ways we see this dynamic play out in abusive relationships is through a "reporting" requirement.
If the “reporting” requirement exists within your dynamic, you might feel it is non-negotiable to share every detail of your day: who you talked to, what you bought, and where you were at every moment. While healthy partners share their lives out of a desire for connection, coercive control feels like an interrogation. If you feel a sense of dread or threat looming if you forget a detail or choose to keep a small part of your day to yourself, the dynamic has shifted from connection to control and surveillance.
This erosion of privacy is a tactic used to make you feel like your life is no longer your own, but something that must be approved by another person. In your body, this might show up as a heaviness in your chest when your phone pings, or a frantic need to rehearse your day in your head before you see your partner to make sure your story is "right." This is an absolutely exhausting and frightening way to move throughout life. It strips people of their agency and sense of stability and indicates a serious lack of safety in the relationship. In a safe relationship, information is shared, not extracted. If you are noticing these reporting “requirements” in your own relationship, please know that it’s not okay for this to be happening to you, and that you are allowed to have a life that belongs only to you.
Why Do We Ignore Red Flags in Relationships?
This point was discussed in part two of our abusive relationships series, but feels necessary to expand upon again here. Normative Blindness refers to our inability to consider our partner’s behavior or our current options as anything but acceptable because the abuse has been normalized for so long. This type of normalizing during abuse can look like:
Gaslighting as a Standard: Our partner tells us this is how all relationships are and we are “overreacting”, “selfish”, “ungrateful” for thinking otherwise. When we hear this enough, we stop trusting our own eyes and start deferring to their version of reality.
The Erosion of Memory: The abuse has continued for so long we have forgotten what the relationship looked like when it was healthy (if it was) or what previous healthy relationships felt like. Safety becomes a distant concept rather than a lived experience.
The Comfort of the Familiar: Our own home life as a child shared the same emotions, behaviors, and ways of communicating, and this dynamic feels familiar. To our nervous system, "familiar" often gets mistaken for "safe," even when it is causing us harm.
Isolation and Lack of Contrast: When we are isolated from friends, family, or communities who model healthy dynamics, we lose the "baseline" needed to measure our own relationship. Without a point of contrast, the chaos becomes our only known world.
If one or all of these factors of normative blindness are with us, even allowing ourselves to characterize aspects of our relationship as abusive may feel threatening or foreign. It can feel like the ground is shifting beneath your feet because you are essentially dismantling the "truth" you’ve lived in to survive.
It often takes time, patience, and repeated validation from others to allow us to feel grounded and justified in identifying abuse. The signs indicated below are offered as a form of validation, and are not meant to shame. If you recognize yourself or a loved one in the points mentioned, know that help does exist. and that identifying the "blindness" is the first step in clearing the fog.
Trusting Your Gut: When Your Body Knows Before Your Brain Does
Because of normative blindness and the coercive nature of abuse in general, our brains are often the last to know we are experiencing abuse. Our minds are designed to rationalize, justify, and minimize to help us survive the day. This is just one way the body and brain are wired to keep us safe, and these protective mechanisms are incredibly adaptive and protective. However, when we peel back the layers and pay close attention to the body, the signs of abuse are often evident in our nervous system.
It’s common for the body to send signals long before you have a name for what is happening. This is what we mean when we talk about "the gut feeling." It isn’t a mystical hunch, but instead, an actual signal that is sent through a nerve that runs between your brain and your gut. It’s important to not minimize your gut feelings and use them as the vital information that they are. Your nervous system is incredibly wise and complex. It is constantly scanning for cues of safety and cues of danger, and you can get in touch with those by getting in touch with your body.
These are some tangible responses you may notice happening in response to the signals coming from your gut:
The "Dimming" Effect: Feeling your personality, voice, or energy "shrink" when your partner enters the room.
Chronic Fatigue: A sense of exhaustion that doesn't lift with sleep, because your body is spending all its energy on bracing for a potential conflict.
The Brain Fog: Feeling confused, forgetful, or unable to think clearly when you try to evaluate your relationship.
Physical Aversions: Unexplained headaches, digestive issues, or a tight chest that seem to flare up specifically in the context of your partner.
If your body feels smaller, tighter, or "less than" when you are with your partner, that’s information I want to encourage you to listen to. Healing begins when we start to value that physical data as much as, if not more than, the justifications our brains try to provide. In trauma therapy, we work to bridge this gap, helping you move from a place of chronic confusion back to a place where you can trust yourself and your gut again.
Next Steps and Resources for Support
If this article is hitting home for you and you’re feeling ready to seek support, here are some encouragements we’d like to offer you:
Remember that trauma therapy can be an information gathering place as well as a processing place. Connecting with a Denver trauma therapist can offer further validation for what you experience and be a resource building safe place.
Check out the following resources:
Denver specific resources:
General resources:
Explore the other blogs in our abusive relationship series
Get Started with Trauma Therapy in Denver, CO.
If this blog or other blogs in our trauma and abusive relationships series resonate with you and you’re ready to seek support, reach out to learn more about Denver trauma therapy at CZ Therapy Group. Follow these three steps to get started:
Reach out to schedule a free 20-minute consult call.
Connect with the Denver trauma therapist of your choice via a phone consult.
Begin healing through trauma therapy.