Affair Fog: “My partner had or is having an affair and seems like an entirely different person. Why?”
By Jordan Kurtz, MA, LPCC, Denver Trauma therapist + Couples Counselor
What is affair fog? A breakdown from a couples counselor in Denver, CO.
Individuals in a relationship with a partner who has an affair often describe their partner as “changed”, “unrecognizable”, or “not the person I fell for”. Their values, belief systems, and personality have become entirely unfamiliar to you- why? “Affair fog” is a term that describes an unfaithful partner’s state of mind that promotes and sustains these changes while consumed with an affair. The committed relationship is conceptualized in negative terms while the affair is viewed with euphoria, positivity, or protectiveness.
What contributes to affair fog?
Biology
The ecstasy, novelty, and exhilaration associated with affairs are driven by the mood-elevating neurotransmitters of dopamine and norepinephrine, as well as the hormone phenylethylamine. Together these chemicals can resemble highs similar to morphine, which compel unfaithful partners to return to the affair for continued experiencing of this “rush”.
Psychology
Cognitive dissonance is a phenomenon that describes the internal tension produced when one’s behaviors or beliefs are inconsistent with one another (i.e. “I am an honest person” and “I am a cheater”). To alleviate this tension, one either changes their behavior (i.e. stops the affair and/or discloses the affair) or purposefully amends their thinking to justify the behavior (i.e. “Cheating isn’t so bad because my husband has been gone so much at work lately”). When the affair is reframed to minimize the unfaithful partner’s guilt, the morality of the affair is justified and the committed relationship belittled.
How does my partner in the “fog” act and respond?
Selective attention
Unfaithful partners are likely to seek out and verbalize evidence that supports the affair and minimize or reject evidence that suggests reconsideration. Once our heels are dug in the sand, we tend to push them even deeper when confronted with information that paints us in an unflattering light. Positive parts of the committed relationship may be overshadowed by unfaithful partners zooming in on negative aspects of the relationship, no matter how small.
Rewriting the script
To feel better about the present, we often turn to the past. Recasting old memories in a negative light or pretending memories do not exist support the unfaithful partner’s reauthoring of the committed relationship. This eliminates the need for unfaithful partners to take ownership for their hurtful actions.
Gaslighting
A form of mental abuse that entails purposeful manipulation by questioning someone else’s sanity. Unfaithful partners may make you question your perception of the world and whether your tether to reality or other relationships are legitimate or deserved.
How should I respond to my partner in the “fog”?
Affirm to yourself what has truly changed: the marriage or your partner?
Psychologists Elliot Aronson and Carol Tavris, authors of the book Mistakes Were Made (But Not By Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts, suggest creating lists of “strong evidence” (i.e. tangible or concrete things that indicate longevity such as rings, letters, emails, pictures) and “soft evidence” (i.e. non-physical confirmations like memories, conversations, testimonies of friends and family) that reflect good parts of the partnership.
If it feels safe, Aronson and Tavris suggest these lists can also be shared with the unfaithful partner via writing or discussion. Whether the partner attunes to your remembered connection and relationship narrative, allow these pieces of evidence to strengthen your “unfoggy” perspective versus rewriting it in alignment with your partner’s choices.
How couples counseling can help.
Couples counseling for affairs should, first and foremost, recognize that affairs present pains and questions for both parties, and it can be challenging to navigate what “moving forward” and healing means when so much emotion is present. At CZ Therapy Group, we use Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) to help couples processing affairs or other challenges by co-creating awareness of triggers, behaviors, and underlying emotions that promote disconnectedness. See our blog about EFT couples therapy for a more thorough description of Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples and how it can support your relationship.
If I am “in the fog” or “coming out of the fog”
Affairs often fulfill needs for safety, recognition, attention, intimacy, or excitement we feel we are lacking in our existing relationship. Our counselors will provide non-judgmental and compassionate facilitation in discerning what these needs are and how to communicate them to your partner.
If my partner is “in the fog” or “coming out of the fog”
Betrayal, anger, self-doubt, and fear are common responses to partners straying from the relationship. Our Denver couples counselors will validate these feelings, bolster your self-worth, and collaborate with you and your partner to reconstruct safety, boundaries, and trust within the relationship.
What if my partner won’t navigate this with me? Considering Denver trauma therapy for attachment healing.
Affairs are undoubtedly traumatic. The severe breach in trust and long lasting wounds that result from an affair often lay the groundwork for unhealthy relationship patterns moving forward, both in this relationship and in future relationships.
Fortunately, our brains are wired to heal from trauma, and with the right support, it is entirely possible to move past the harmful impacts of an affair, whether it happened to you or was initiated by you. This is the juncture where attachment-focused trauma therapy in Denver comes in! Whether you and your trauma therapist delve into traditional talk therapy or utilize deeper methods of trauma processing such as EMDR therapy, individual therapy gives you the space necessary to process what happened and create a new, healthy roadmap for your relationships moving forward.
Extra resources to support you
Here are some of our additional blogs on relationships, attachment, and trauma wounding that you may find helpful:
Ready for more support? Get started with couples counseling in Denver, CO or individual trauma therapy in Denver, CO.
Our team of Denver therapists are here to support you and your relationship after an affair.
Follow these three steps to get started:
Reach out to schedule a free 20-minute consult call at Chadley Zobolas Therapy Group.
Connect with a Denver therapist at CZTG for your first session.
Begin unpacking your attachment styles and leaning into healing and growth.
Meet The Writer: Jordan Kurtz, Couples Counselor and Trauma Therapist in Denver, CO
Jordan Kurtz is a Denver trauma therapist, couples counselor, and staff writer at CZTG. Jordan focuses on therapy for trauma, relationships, grief, adolescence. Her approach is authentic, warm, and affirming, which she interweaves throughout her use of advanced evidence-based modalities, including EMDR, Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT), and somatic therapy. She provides couples counseling and general trauma therapy in Denver and virtually throughout the state of Colorado. If you’d like to work with Jordan, feel free to reach out to schedule a consultation call.