Affair Fog: “My partner had or is having an affair and seems like an entirely different person. Why?”
By Jordan Kurtz, MA, LPC, Denver Trauma therapist + attachment specialist
If your partner feels unrecognizable right now, you’re not alone, and you’re probably not imagining it either. Welcome to part one of our three part series on Affair Fog, where we focus on the trauma of infidelity and ways to find healing after betrayal.
Many people describe this experience as feeling like their partner has become someone entirely different than they used to know - leaving them questioning not only the relationship, but their own sense of reality. This kind of disorientation is a common response to relational trauma, like an affair, and is something we work with regularly in trauma therapy in Denver.
Our hope is for this series to help undo the aloneness you might be feeling, normalize your experience, and help you begin making sense of the shifts in your dynamic.
What is Affair Fog?
Individuals in a relationship with a partner who has an affair often describe their partner as “changed”, “unrecognizable”, or “not the person I fell for”. This partner is “in the fog.”
The committed relationship is viewed through a more negative lens, while the affair is experienced with a sense of excitement, euphoria, or protectiveness.
Your partner’s values, belief systems, and personality have become entirely unfamiliar to you - why?
“Affair fog” is a term that describes the state of mind an unfaithful partner can enter when they are consumed by an affair, where these shifts in behavior, thinking, and perception begin to feel normal or justified.
As the betrayed partner, you may be left trying to make sense of this new version of your partner. A version that doesn’t feel warm, connected, or attuned to you. When this happens so suddenly, as affairs often seem to, it can be incredibly disorienting and shame-inducing. It can rock our sense of trust in ourselves and others and make it difficult to sense what is real or stable.
What Causes Affair Fog?
The Brain Chemistry Behind Affair Fog
The ecstasy, novelty, and exhilaration associated with affairs are driven by the mood-elevating neurotransmitters of dopamine and norepinephrine, as well as the hormone phenylethylamine.
Together these chemicals can resemble highs similar to morphine, which compel unfaithful partners to return to the affair for continued experiencing of this “rush”.
The ecstasy, novelty, and exhilaration associated with affairs are driven by mood-elevating neurotransmitters like dopamine and norepinephrine, as well as the hormone phenylethylamine.
Together, these chemicals can create a powerful “high” that feels intensely rewarding and difficult to step away from. This can be especially impactful for those who have experienced trauma, emotional neglect, or abuse, where a deeper sense of connection has often felt just out of reach. Over time, this pull can make the affair feel not just appealing, but almost necessary to maintain that emotional state.
The Mental Patterns Behind Affair Fog
Cognitive dissonance is a phenomenon that describes the internal tension produced when one’s behaviors or beliefs are inconsistent with one another (i.e. “I am an honest person” and “I am a cheater”). To alleviate this tension, one either changes their behavior (i.e. stops the affair and/or discloses the affair) or purposefully amends their thinking to justify the behavior (i.e. “Cheating isn’t so bad because my husband has been gone so much at work lately”).
When these justifications take hold, they can begin to reshape how the relationship is seen. The affair may be reframed in a way that reduces guilt, while the committed relationship is minimized, criticized, or rewritten to support the continuation of the affair.
Signs Your Partner Is in Affair Fog
Selective Attention
Unfaithful partners are likely to seek out and verbalize evidence that supports the affair and minimize or reject evidence that suggests reconsideration. Once our heels are dug in the sand, we tend to push them even deeper when confronted with information that paints us in an unflattering light. Positive parts of the committed relationship may be overshadowed by unfaithful partners zooming in on negative aspects of the relationship, no matter how small.
This can leave you feeling like nothing you say or do seems to land. Attempts to remind your partner of your connection or shared history may be dismissed, ignored, or turned into further justification for the affair.
Rewriting the Relationship
To feel better about the present, we often turn to the past. Recasting old memories in a negative light or pretending memories do not exist support the unfaithful partner’s reauthoring of the committed relationship. This eliminates the need for unfaithful partners to take ownership for their hurtful actions.
You may hear your partner describe the relationship in ways that feel unfamiliar or inaccurate, focusing heavily on what was “missing” while overlooking what was once meaningful or stable. This rewriting can feel especially painful, as it calls into question the reality of your shared experience.
Gaslighting
A form of mental abuse that entails purposeful manipulation by questioning someone else’s sanity. Unfaithful partners may make you question your perception of the world and whether your tether to reality or other relationships are legitimate or deserved.
This may show up as denying events that occurred, shifting blame onto you, or suggesting that your reactions are exaggerated or unreasonable. Over time, this can erode your sense of trust in yourself, making it harder to feel grounded in what you know to be true.
What to Do When Your Partner Is in Affair Fog
Check in with yourself about what has truly changed: the relationship, or your partner’s current state of mind? Take a few moments to reflect on this yourself, then use the exercise below to further support your process.
Psychologists Elliot Aronson and Carol Tavris, authors of the book Mistakes Were Made (But Not By Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts, suggest the following:
Create a list of “strong evidence” and “soft evidence” that reflect good parts of the relationship.
Strong evidence refers to tangible or concrete things that indicate longevity such as rings, letters, emails, pictures.
Soft evidence refers to non-physical confirmations like memories, conversations, or testimonies of friends and family.
This can help you stay grounded in what you know to be true, especially when things feel confusing or distorted.
If it feels safe, Aronson and Tavris suggest these lists can also be shared with the unfaithful partner via writing or discussion.
Whether the partner attunes to your remembered connection and relationship narrative, allow these pieces of evidence to strengthen your “unfoggy” perspective, rather than rewriting your reality to align with your partner’s current behavior.
How to Start Healing After Betrayal
Affairs are undoubtedly traumatic. The severe breach in trust and long lasting wounds that result from an affair often lay the groundwork for confusion, self-doubt, and patterns that can carry into future relationships.
At the same time, our brains are wired to heal. With the right kind of support, it is possible to move through the impact of betrayal in a way that helps you feel more clear, grounded, and connected to yourself again.
For many people, this process involves making sense of what happened, understanding how it has affected their sense of safety and trust, and slowly rebuilding a more stable internal foundation. Approaches that focus on attachment and the nervous system - such as EMDR therapy, somatic trauma therapy, or other forms of deeper processing - can be one way of supporting this kind of healing.
Whether your process happens in therapy, through supportive relationships, or other avenues of healing, know that you don’t have to move through this experience alone. You deserve to feel anchored in yourself again and to experience a relationship that feels steady, predictable, and supportive of your growth.
Additional Readings for Healing After Betrayal
This blog is the first of a three part series all about affair fog. Be sure to explore parts two and three of the series:
Affair Fog Part Two: “My partner cheated on me. How do I move forward?”
Affair Fog Part Three: “I cheated on my partner and don’t know why. What do I do now?”
If you’re questioning the health of your relationship or wondering whether certain patterns may be harmful, these may also be helpful:
If you’re finding yourself relating to these patterns, it may be helpful to have support as you make sense of what you’re experiencing.
Explore Trauma Therapy in Denver, CO.
If you’re seeking professional support, our team of Denver trauma therapists is here to support you after an affair.
Follow these three steps to get started:
Reach out to schedule a free 20-minute consult call.
Connect with a Denver therapist on our team.
Begin processing your betrayal and finding a path forward.