Parenting Your Adult Parent
By Jordan Kurtz (she/her), MA, LPCC, Trauma Therapist and Couples Counselor in Denver
How many find themselves considering these questions or thoughts on a regular basis?
How is Mom/Dad spending their weekend?
Will Mom/Dad be able to take care of themselves today without me?
I don’t have time to call/see Mom/Dad today and I worry they’ll be upset.
I feel guilty that Mom/Dad doesn’t have plans today and I do.
Should I sacrifice _____ to make Mom/Dad happier?
I feel like I spend most of my time, energy and focus on Mom/Dad versus myself and other relationships.
Chances are if these bullet points resonate with you, you are feeling responsible to be a parent to your parent- and that is a massive emotional, physical, mental and social undertaking.
Let’s explore dynamics that contribute to this phenomenon - including generational trauma and its impact on adult familial relationships - and how attachment-focused trauma therapy can help in renegotiating this weight.
Beginning with Normalizing
It feels important to note that as we age, roles within family systems inherently shift and in many instances, the pendulum of support does shift from our parents nurturing us to us nurturing our parents.
This may appear as lending financial support, logistical support such as assisting in household projects or driving, and/or emotional support like validating the transition to retirement or loss of a spouse.
Each individual and culture defines the norms for sustainable and reasonable child-to-parent support. These norms may be discussed overtly, preemptively, and/or as changes unfold, or perhaps expectations are modeled generation to generation and there is understanding without words of how children navigate their relationship with parents as aging occurs. However, if one feels as if the support asked of them by their parent is consuming, laden with shame, or held by themselves alone, it can become damaging to one’s mental health and potentially the parent-child relationship.
Mapping Out Unhealthy Relationship Cycles
Dr. Nicole LePera (Instagram handle @the.holistic.psychologist) provides us a helpful map of the cycle of dependency that can emerge between parents and their adult children:
The parent vents to their child about a chronic stressor or problem in their life and the child feels sadness or empathy for their parent.
The sadness drives the child into “solution-finder” mode: to alleviate their parent’s stress, the child offers suggestions for change in the parent’s life. The adult child may feel powerless or helpless watching their parent struggle.
The parent does not implement change or seek help outside of their child, continuing to lament about sadness, emptiness, pain, or stress in their life. The child feels the strain of their resources and time being consumed without change occurring. If a child pulls away in response to the lack of change, the parent may guilt trip their child (i.e. I have no one else, You’re abandoning me)
The child may become resentful, apathetic, or angry about the situation: no matter what strategies or effort they offer to their parent, their parent’s situation remains the same. This produces shame, guilt and other deep emotions.
Both parties feel stuck without their needs getting met, and the connection between parent and child may be altered or damaged.
Who tends to be most susceptible? Insight from an attachment-focused trauma therapist in Denver.
Parents or children with anxious attachment styles/strategies
Those with anxious attachment often have core needs for consistent communication, presence, and reassurance to make themselves safe and/or seen. If these needs are not met, fear, disconnect, and loneliness can ensue, driving a parent to seek their children for fulfillment. Those with anxious attachment are often highly attuned and sympathetic towards others who have similar needs- therefore, an anxiously attached child may feel especially compelled to respond to and soothe their parent. Explore our previous blog to learn more about attachment styles.
Parents who lack stable partnerships or networks of social support
If a parent’s needs are balanced between many sources of support, an adult child will likely feel less burdened or overwhelmed by their parent’s stressors. If a child is a parent’s only outlet or chosen outlet, the adult child feels responsible for the totality of their parent’s wellbeing and will become low resourced.
Children whose parents had mental health conditions that caused parentification at a young age
If a parent suffers from addiction, an eating disorder, generational abuse, or another mental health condition, the roles of caretaker and child are often reversed early in life. These patterns can persist into adult life and normalize adult dependence on children.
How Attachment-Focused Trauma Therapy in Denver Can Help
If any of these dynamics are familiar to you as a parent or a child, you are not alone. Both individuals in this cycle wish for relief from suffering: the parent from their own and the child on behalf of their parent.
An attachment-focused trauma therapist can help normalize, disentangle, and clarify emotions that are often lost within this push and pull cycle in a variety of ways:
Identifying attachment styles
Our attachment styles inform how we reach out to others and the type of support we tend to ask for. Your therapist will assist you in becoming more aware of these styles to create better understanding of triggers and impulses attached to them.
Clarifying core needs
Underneath layers of stress and pain lie needs for connection, safety, validation, and more that can be difficult to distinguish and/or vocalize. Your therapist will empower you to connect to these needs and rehearse communicating them to others.
Facilitating boundary assertion
It can be difficult for a variety of reasons to communicate to a parent that we need a step back. Your therapist will help you find language that validates your emotions as well as your parent’s to achieve self-protection and empathy for a loved one simultaneously.
Reaffirming self-care
Leaning on outside supports is necessary for well-being, as is nurturing the relationship we have with ourselves. The hardship and business of life often prevents both parents and children from pausing and offering themselves kindness and attention, and your therapist will support you in bringing these needs to the surface.
Begin Shifting The Cycle - Work With An Attachment-Focused Trauma Therapist in Denver
If you’re ready to shift the cycle of generational trauma, our attachment-focused trauma therapists and relationship counselors at CZ Therapy Group would love to support you. Follow these three steps to connect with a relational trauma therapist on our team:
Schedule a free 20-minute consult call to see if attachment-focused trauma therapy in Denver is right for you.
Connect with the CZTG trauma therapist of your choice via a phone consult.
Begin your path towards growth and authenticity!
Meet The Writer: Jordan Kurtz, Trauma Therapist in Denver, CO
Jordan Kurtz (she/her) is a trauma and relationship therapist at CZTG who focuses on therapy for grief, trauma, adolescence, and couples. Jordan is authentic, warm, and affirming of her clients’ identities and experiences.