Inside a Couples Counseling Session: Common Holiday Dilemmas Explored In Couples Counseling in Denver, CO
Holidays present many opportunities for togetherness. The joining of families, friends, and traditions creates a unique intersection for reflection and the co-creation of memories and new rituals.
While togetherness can indeed create warmth, it can also produce friction and flames.
It is challenging enough on an annual basis for partners to negotiate their own norms:
How do we spend our money?
How often do we see one another’s families?
What values do we want to emphasize to our children?
These considerations and more can feel amplified during the holiday season, where there is an emphasis on shared time, experiences, and the “holiday spirit” of joy.
Conflict with our partners around the holidays tends to center around content that feels purely contextual (i.e. We are only worrying about this because it is this time of the year). The notion that “this is temporary” and we ought to “grin and bear it” through disagreement often causes us to overlook big emotions and meaningful stories that are living underneath our arguments.
In this blog, we take the opportunity to explore common holiday conflict themes and map out feelings that you or your partner may be holding without the other knowing or allowing you to express. In doing so, we hope to:
1) normalize sadness, frustration, and isolation that holidays instigate
2) facilitate open conversations between partners about “the real stuff” beneath ______ (insert holiday related topic here).
Using ‘The Cycle’ to Explore Conflict
At CZ Therapy group, our Denver couples therapists utilize Emotion Focused Therapy for couples, which conceptualizes cycles of conflict as the enemy versus partners themselves. Through Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT), we can use the infinity loop (see image below) to help individuals understand triggers, behaviors and emotions they hold that in turn, influence the other.
Together, we will explore holiday conflict through the lens of the cycle to mirror how a Denver couples therapist at CZ Therapy Group helps their couples discuss various topics. Read our previous blog to learn even more about “The Cycle” in Denver couples counseling.
Conflict One: It feels like one partner’s familial/cultural/spiritual practices or traditions take precedence in the relationship.
Example
Partner 1 Trigger: My partner books a Secret Santa exchange with her friends on the last day of Hannukah.
Partner 1 Reactive Feelings: Anger, irritation, rush of blood to the head.
Partner 1 Story: My partner doesn’t think my faith is as important as her schedule. She is selfish and I am not a priority.
Partner 1 Coping: Isolation, passive aggressive behavior, canceling on our next fixed date night.
Partner 2 Trigger: My partner just canceled our next date night and is avoiding me in the house.
Partner 2 Reactive Feelings: Confusion, anger, muscle tension.
Partner 2 Story: My partner never lets me in to his head. He inflicts his own misery and creates low energy in our house.
Partner 2 Coping: Criticizing my partner’s bad mood, booking more activities outside the house with friends.
What a Denver Couples Counselor Helps Partners See Underneath Their Infinity Loop
Partner 1:
Vulnerable emotions: Sadness related to important parts of my identity feeling not recognized or respected.
Attachment needs: I need to feel that all parts of me are valued to feel comfortable and seen by my partner.
Partner 2:
Vulnerable emotions: Hurt that my partner doesn’t seem to want to turn to me when he is upset with something.
Attachment needs: I will feel more trust in the relationship and myself if my partner lets me know when he is bothered by something.
Conflict Two: We disagree over how much time is appropriate to spend with in-laws.
Example:
Partner 1 Trigger: My partner invited her parents and siblings over for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and five days following without asking me.
Partner 1 Reactive Feelings: Disbelief, paralysis, anxiety
Partner 1 Story: My partner doesn’t understand that this is too much for my introversion. She always thinks I’m “overreacting” and “too sensitive”. Maybe I am.
Partner 1 Coping: Agreeing to the plans but feeling the impact of my anxiety in secret through insomnia, under eating, and headaches.
Partner 2 Trigger: My partner feels absent and disengaged from planning activities for us all to do when my family arrives.
Partner 2 Reactive Feelings: Irritation, apathy
Partner 2 Story: My partner doesn’t care about connecting with my family. He’s too involved in his own world even though I always attempt to include him and make him feel loved by us all.
Partner 2 Coping: Increased reliance on my family to help me plan and ignoring my partner.
What a Denver Couples Counselor Helps Partners See Underneath Their Infinity Loop
Partner 1:
Vulnerable emotions: Fear when my wellbeing is compromised by a lot of social activity. Sadness that my partner misunderstands this as disliking her family.
Attachment needs: To feel safe mentally, physically and emotionally within our relationship, I need more collaboration and balance about how much time we spend with family.
Partner 2:
Vulnerable emotions: Sadness that my partner does not seem to enjoy the closeness and inclusivity of the people who matter to me most as much as I do.
Attachment needs: To experience the most togetherness, I would like for my partner to attempt to be more engaged with my family.
Tying It All Together with Couples Counseling in Denver, CO.
What do these examples illuminate?
It is rarely the subject alone that elicits deep emotions. Rather, the parts of us that we feel go unseen or unheard related to a subject that feed conflict.
Couples therapy in Denver gives us a safe place to identify these vulnerable parts and express them to our partners with the attuned and non-shaming guide of a therapist to promote acceptance, understanding and clear communication.
Eager to learn more? Read our previous blog post to explore ways to improve communication in your relationship.
Begin Couples Counseling in Denver, CO
If these holiday examples sound like familiar themes in your life, consider exploring them and more with a Denver couples therapist at CZ Therapy Group.
Reach out today to explore if couples therapy in Denver is right for you! Follow these three steps to get started:
Schedule a free 20-minute consult call to see if couples therapy in Denver is a good fit!
Connect with the CZTG couples therapist of your choice via a phone consult.
Begin your healing from anxiety!
Meet The Writer: Jordan Kurtz, Couples Counselor in Denver, CO.
Jordan Kurtz (she/her) is a Denver trauma therapist, couples counselor, and staff writer at CZTG. Jordan focuses on therapy for couples, trauma, adolescence, and grief. Her approach is authentic, warm, and affirming, which she interweaves throughout her use of advanced evidence-based modalities, including EMDR, Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT), and somatic therapy. She provides couples therapy in Denver and virtually throughout the state of Colorado. If you’d like to work with Jordan, feel free to reach out to schedule a consultation call.