How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationships: An Overview and Journal Prompts Through the Lens of EFT Couples Therapy
Many of us are familiar with the concept of attachment styles - namely anxious, avoidant, and secure attachment. Whether you’ve taken a deep dive into your individual attachment style prior to landing on this blog or not, our hope is to deepen your understanding of attachment through the lens of your relationship, not just your individual experience.
Attachment in Relationships - A Broad Overview from a Couples Counselor in Denver, CO.
Our individual attachment styles have a profound impact on our relationships. Early attachment experiences shape our beliefs and expectations about relationships, which in turn influence how we engage with our partner(s) as adults. The relationship therapists at CZ Therapy Group operate from the belief that attachment styles are malleable, ever changing, and should be viewed as strategies we pull from as opposed to fixed behaviors or diagnoses. With that being said, for the purposes of this blog it is simpler to refer to attachment styles/strategies through their respective categories. As we do, please keep in mind that your experience is likely nuanced and deserving of much more individualized attention.
If you don’t have a good sense of your primary attachment style/strategy, it might be helpful to check out our previous blog on attachment styles before reading further here.
Those with a secure attachment style tend to feel comfortable with intimacy and express their needs openly, fostering a sense of safety and emotional connection. In contrast, individuals with an anxious attachment style may fear abandonment and seek excessive reassurance, often exhibiting clingy or demanding behaviors. This can create a pattern where they become the pursuer in relationships, or the partner who tends On the other hand, individuals with an avoidant attachment style may prioritize independence and may struggle with emotional intimacy or expressing their needs, leading them to become the withdrawer. Let’s take a much deeper plunge into the inner-workings of this below.
Getting Curious About Your Relational Attachment Style - Pursuers and Withdrawers
In Emotion Focused Therapy for couples (EFT), the terms "pursuer" and "withdrawer" are used to describe common relationship dynamics and patterns of communication. These roles are often present in couples struggling with intimacy, connection, and effective communication. Understanding these roles can shed light on the underlying dynamics within a relationship and help couples work towards more secure attachment and healthier interactions. Broadly put, pursuers generally connect more with anxious-leaning attachment strategies, while withdrawers connect with more avoidant-leaning attachment strategies. This dynamic makes up what EFT calls “The Cycle”. If it interests you, I encourage you to peruse our other blogs about The Cycle, how it impacts couples communication, and it’s propensity to be both triggering and healing.
Read through the descriptions of the pursuer and withdrawer role below to get curious about which role you might carry in your negative cycle.
While doing so, it's essential to remember that these presentations are not fixed or definitive labels but rather common tendencies observed in pursuers and withdrawers, and that individuals can display a combination of these characteristics or may switch between them. Use this as a tool for deeper understanding, not a diagnosis.
The Pursuer Role
The pursuer is often characterized as the partner who seeks closeness, reassurance, and connection in the relationship. They have a strong desire for emotional engagement and may express their needs more directly. Pursuers tend to be more vocal about their concerns, desires, and expectations from their partner. They often seek validation, attention, and affection in an attempt to fulfill their attachment needs.
Here are a few ways Pursuers may Present in their relationships:
1. The Demanding Pursuer
This type of pursuer tends to be more assertive and direct in expressing their needs and desires. They may actively seek reassurance, attention, and emotional connection from their partner. They often initiate conversations about relationship issues, wanting to address concerns or seek resolution. Demanding pursuers may express their emotions and desires in a more intense and persistent manner, often seeking validation and validation from their partner.
2. The Critical Pursuer
Critical pursuers tend to focus on the flaws or shortcomings of their partner or the relationship itself. They may frequently express dissatisfaction, frustration, or disappointment with their partner's behavior. Critical pursuers might use criticism or blame as a way to express their unmet needs or desires, hoping to provoke change or improvement in their partner. Their communication style may come across as demanding or judgmental, which can trigger defensive responses from their partner.
3. The Overfunctioning Pursuer
Overfunctioning pursuers often take on the role of the caretaker or the responsible one within the relationship. They may feel compelled to constantly take charge, make decisions, and provide support. Overfunctioning pursuers may struggle with delegating responsibilities to their partner, fearing that things won't get done or won't meet their standards. Their pursuit of control and perfectionism can create tension and imbalance in the relationship dynamics.
The Withdrawer Role
On the other hand, the withdrawer tends to exhibit behaviors associated with distancing or avoiding emotional engagement. They may withdraw from conflict or emotional discussions, avoiding confrontation and shutting down. Withdrawers often prioritize autonomy and may have difficulty expressing their emotions or needs directly. They may feel overwhelmed by the pursuer's emotional demands, and their response is to withdraw to protect themselves.
These roles can create a negative cycle of interaction within a relationship. The pursuer, driven by their attachment needs for closeness and validation, may intensify their pursuit when they feel the withdrawer pulling away. In response, the withdrawer, seeking to protect themselves, may withdraw even further, triggering the pursuer to become more demanding or critical. This negative cycle perpetuates the feelings of disconnection, frustration, and insecurity in the relationship.
Here are a few ways withdrawers may Present in their relationships:
1. The Avoidant Withdrawer
This type of withdrawer tends to avoid or minimize emotional engagement or conflict. They may withdraw from conversations, discussions, or confrontations to protect themselves from feeling overwhelmed or exposed. Avoidant withdrawers may have difficulty expressing their emotions openly or may struggle with identifying and articulating their needs. They may retreat to personal hobbies or activities as a way to create space and maintain emotional distance.
2. The Passive Withdrawer
Passive withdrawers often appear disengaged or disinterested in relationship matters. They may adopt a passive attitude and avoid taking initiative in discussions or decision-making. Passive withdrawers may have difficulty asserting themselves or expressing their opinions or desires, often deferring to their partner's preferences or avoiding potential conflicts. Their passivity can lead to feelings of frustration and power imbalances within the relationship.
3. The Detached Withdrawer:
Detached withdrawers create emotional distance by detaching themselves from their own emotions and the emotions of their partner. They may display a sense of emotional detachment or apathy, making it challenging for their partner to connect with them on a deeper level. Detached withdrawers may struggle with vulnerability and opening up about their own feelings, often preferring to keep their emotions guarded or private.
The goal of EFT couples therapy is to help couples recognize and break free from these patterns. Through increased awareness and understanding, repeated practice in creating new, positive cycles, and connection to emotions and attachment needs - both of ourselves and our partner - couples can shift from the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic to a more secure and responsive interaction style. Broadly put, the pursuer can learn to express their needs and concerns in a way that invites connection rather than pushing their partner away and the withdrawer can learn to engage more actively and respond to their partner's bids for connection.
Journal Prompts to Help You Explore Your Relational Attachment Style - Ideas from a Couples Counselor in Denver, CO.
Below are a few journal prompts to help you explore your attachment strategies and needs, and gain insights into the why behind your behavior. Remember, journaling can be a helpful tool for self-reflection and self-discovery, and in no way should you expect yourself to work through attachment wounds all on your own. Take your time with these prompts, allow yourself to be open and honest, and reach out to a therapist if you feel the desire to move through whatever comes up.
Journal Prompts for Pursuers:
1. Reflect on a recent situation where you felt the urge to pursue your partner. What were the specific emotions and needs that drove your pursuit? How did you express these needs? How did your partner respond? What did you learn about yourself and your attachment needs from this experience?
2. Think about your childhood or past experiences that might have influenced your pursuer behaviors in relationships. Were there any significant events or relationships that shaped your attachment style? How do these experiences connect to your current patterns of pursuing? How can you draw insights from your past to better understand your present behavior and needs?
3. Consider the impact of your pursuit on your partner and the relationship, both positive and negative. How does the ‘reaching’ you do affect your partner's emotional experience and their ability to respond to you? How might your partner perceive your pursuing behaviors? Are there any adjustments or alternative strategies you can explore to foster healthier communication and emotional connection with your partner?
4. Reflect on a time when you received the response and reassurance you were seeking from your partner. How did it make you feel? Did it alleviate your fears or anxieties? What did you learn from that experience about your attachment needs and how they can be met in a healthy way? How can you communicate those needs to your partner effectively?
Journal Prompts for Withdrawers:
1. Reflect on a recent situation where you felt the urge to withdraw or create emotional distance. What were the specific emotions and needs that led to your withdrawal? How did you respond to these emotions? How did your partner react? What did you learn about yourself and your attachment needs from this experience?
2. Explore your early experiences or significant relationships that might have influenced your withdrawal tendencies. Are there any particular memories or events that shaped your attachment style? How do these experiences connect to your current patterns of withdrawal? How can you gain insights from your past to better understand your present behavior and needs?
3. Think about a situation where you chose to open up and share your emotions or needs with your partner, despite feeling the urge to withdraw. How did it feel to be vulnerable? How did your partner respond? What insights did you gain about the potential benefits of sharing and connecting on an emotional level? How can you integrate this awareness into future interactions with your partner?
4. Consider the impact of your withdrawal on your partner and the relationship, both positive and negative. How does your withdrawal affect your partner's emotional experience and their ability to connect with you? How might your partner interpret your withdrawal behaviors? Are there any adjustments or alternative strategies you can explore to create a sense of safety and emotional availability for yourself and your partner?
As you engage with these prompts, feel free to expand on them and explore any other thoughts or insights that come to mind. The goal is to deepen your self-awareness and understanding of your attachment strategies, needs, and motivations with compassion, empathy, and reflection.
How Emotion Focused Couples Therapy in Denver Can Support Attachment Healing
Emotion Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) in Denver offers a supportive and effective approach to heal attachment wounds and trauma within relationships. Throughout the process of EFT, couples gain a deeper understanding of their attachment styles and how they impact their interactions with their partner(s). Therapists trained in EFT provide a safe space for partners to explore their emotions, express their needs, and repair past attachment injuries. By fostering secure attachment bonds and promoting open, empathetic communication, EFT Couples Therapy in Denver can help couples heal and create stronger, more satisfying relationships.
Ready to Start Couples Counseling in Denver, CO?
Our skilled couples therapists at CZTG are specially trained in EFT and are ready to support you in couples therapy or individual attachment therapy. Begin navigating the complexities of your attachment experiences, connecting with your needs and emotions, and find hope for safer, more fulfilling relationships.
Follow these three simple steps to get started:
1. Reach out to schedule a free 20-minute consult call at Chadley Zobolas Therapy Group.
2. Connect with a Denver couples counselor at CZTG for your first session.
3. Begin navigating your attachment styles and create a healthier relationship with your partner.