Why Relationships Can Be Triggering And Healing
You likely find yourself in moments with your partner where your emotions take over. It may be something your partner said, did, or did not do, or it’s difficult to pinpoint the trigger at all. Your internal alarms are buzzing, and you experience an automatic response. The automatic response may be yelling, retreating or shutting down, trying to appease your partner, or questioning and being critical of yourself, your partner, or your relationship.
Whatever you do, being triggered in our relationships makes sense.
When your connection to your partner is threatened, of course, you are triggered. Your automatic response is your best effort to fight for or protect your relationship.
Okay, help me make sense of how it makes sense.
Dr. Sue Johnson is a leading innovator of couples therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). She explains and humanizes the experience of being triggered in our relationships as “primal panic”. Our partners are a safe haven and secure base in our lives. When we are triggered by our partners, the primal panic is activated, and we experience our automatic trauma responses in order to get back to the secure base of connection as soon as possible.
For a while, our automatic responses when we are triggered may work to find a connection with our partners again. However, a pattern or cycle of disconnection between you and your partner will likely emerge as you trigger one another in conflict.
When you feel stuck in this cycle with your partner, you may think there is something wrong with you, your partner, or your relationship. Thoughts may cross your mind like, “Are we compatible?”, “Does my partner even care about me?”, “is this the end of our relationship?”.
As a couples and relationship therapist, I do not see anything wrong with you, your partner, your relationship, or compatibility. I see people and a relationship that is hurting. I see that you and your partner care about one another and your connection greatly. I see people that love one another so deeply that their greatest fears and insecurities come alive when they are not able to find the safe haven and secure base of the relationship.
How Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT) Can Help
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) helps us to identify, organize, and understand the triggers and cycle or patterns of disconnection we get stuck in.
Feeling stuck and triggered with your partner is human, and it is an opportunity for you and your partner to heal from the pain of your past and become closer.
Once we can understand your triggers, and your partner’s triggers, and identify where you get stuck together, relationship therapy provides an opportunity to heal and learn that it is safe to do something different when we are triggered.
As we work to soothe the defenses of your trauma responses and explore what’s happening for you underneath when you are triggered, an opportunity for healing from trauma and new possibilities in your relationship can be explored.
This might look like experimenting with opening up to your partner when you feel like shutting down or retreating, taking a deep breath together and hugging when you start to feel the cycle or triggers arise, or working to connect with your own needs when you feel the triggers to appease your partner.
This is an opportunity to explore whatever you need in those moments when your internal alarms are buzzing to find connection and comfort with your partner.
Is Couples Counseling Right For Us?
In relationship therapy, we can experience and process firsthand how relationships can be both triggering. As well as a potential for great healing and growth. If you connect with the experience of feeling triggered in your relationship, you may benefit from relationship therapy with your partner. Working with a therapist provides a compassionate space, support, and loving guidance as you move through the triggers and cycles in your relationship and explore new possibilities for regaining connection and healing.
About The Writer
Jasmine Hansen (she/they) is a Denver trauma and relationship therapist who focuses on therapy for 2SLGBTQ+ couples and individuals, trauma, and identity. Jasmine holds a space that is caring, authentic, and affirming of all identities and experiences.
Interested in starting Denver couples counseling with Jasmine? Reach out today for a free consult!
Ready to Start Couples Counseling in Denver, CO?
Don't navigate the relationship triggers alone. Seek support and understanding in a safe space with couples counseling at Chadley Zobolas Therapy Group. Discover healthier ways to communicate and resolve conflicts, fostering a relationship where both partners can thrive and grow.
Follow these three steps to get started:
Reach out to schedule a free 20-minute consult call at Chadley Zobolas Therapy Group.
Connect with a Denver couples counselor at CZTG for your first session.
Begin coping with your relationship triggers and begin healing!